Donald Trump’s big showing on Super Tuesday inspired me. A year ago, who would have thought him a serious presidential candidate? So in response to his triumph, I want to say this: Send me a dollar—now!

I’m gonna make America great again. It’s simple. There are 320 million Americans. Some are legal. All I’m asking is a buck a head. Old heads, young heads—doesn’t matter. I love any head. Especially with hair. Giving a buck is easy. Even homeless people have a dollar lying around somewhere. But they scrounge dumpsters. What do they need a dollar for?

So what’ll I do with $320 million dollars? I’m gonna make America great again. Did I say that? Anyway, don’t ask for details. Only a schmuck shows his hand. But you’re gonna love it. You’ll think it’s great. You’ll thank me. You will.

Okay, I’ll give you a peek behind the curtain. I’ll skip the facts, because there are people out there who, if they knew, they’d try to screw America. You know who they are. One look at those brown faces, and you know. But they can’t screw America. Not if you send me a dollar.

First, I’ll buy a home in Sea Cliff, one of San Francisco’s wealthiest neighborhoods. Winners look like winners, right? All those bedrooms and bathrooms. Makes me want to have more kids. And rich-people views of the Pacific, the Marin Headlands and the Golden Gate Bridge. I’m gonna buy a home worth $25 million. But I’m only gonna pay $10 million. Tops. Because the people who own that home, I’m gonna get them to practically give it away.

Then I’m gonna do renovations. That’ll put money in the hands of American workers. Unless I hire Mexicans. Maybe Poles. It’s all about the free market, okay? Anyway, I’ll do $10 million worth. But it’ll only cost me $3 million. Tops. Like what? Gold fixtures in the kitchen and the bathrooms. Winners look like winners, right? Did I say that already? Gold railings on the stairs. And gold toilet seats. There’s nothing like settling your tush onto gold. Those toilets are gonna be American, too. And the manufacturers are gonna give them to me.

What else? You’re gonna love this. Someone with $320 million can be a target for people with un-American ideas. Anyone who hates rich people. Although they’ll all be in jail soon. Meanwhile, I’m gonna hire the best private security force ever. Guys with the best training and the best weapons. So tough, they could kick the ayatollahs’ asses tomorrow. The Iranian people are gonna beg me to send them over there to Africa or wherever Iran is. The Iranians are gonna pay their expenses, too. And these guys are gonna work for minimum wage.

It’s terrific. I can’t get over it. I’m gonna make America great again. And remember, when you send money—$5 a head’s also good; so’s $100—you’ll also be sending a message: You’re mad as hell and you’re not gonna take it anymore. Was that in an old movie? I don’t know. I have people who write this blog. I only know three things. God bless America. Send me a dollar—now. And make it cash.

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  1. Ron Laupheimer on March 4, 2016 at 5:20 pm


    I love your approach to making America great again. Look for my contribution in the mail. It is coming!

    • David on March 4, 2016 at 5:49 pm

      As the line went in the old movie, “Show me the money.”

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