LAKE AMERICA ISN’T ENOUGH September 4, 2026

A week ago, President Trump announced that the United States would rename Lake Ontario to Lake America. As a patriot, I say, “Make America even greater!” with a few more red-white-and-blue name changes.

Swiss Cheese to American Cheese II. The new name will plug up the holes in the cheese—empty spaces you pay for. Kind of. Or do you? Surely, the Departments of Agriculture and Commerce can enlighten us… The Atlantic Ocean to the American Ocean. We dominate both sides, and the pantywaist, woke Europeans can kiss our Yankee behinds… Greenland to GreenAmerica. Watcha gonna do about it, Denmark?…

English Channel to American Channel. We led the Normandy invasion on D-Day and spilled much blood in those waters. Europe will owe us until Doomsday. (Which might be closer than we think.)… French Fries to American Fries. George W. Bush got pissed when the French wouldn’t join us in invading Iraq, but “Freedom Fries?” Too many delusional Americans think that “freedom” means the First Amendment and fair elections… Pacific Ocean to American Ocean West. We settled both now-culturally-polluted coasts, and if any body of water touches our borders, our name belongs on it…

Pacific Coast League (minor league baseball) to American Coast West League. See above. By the way, there’s an independent league, the American Association. Good for them. Except they have a team in Winnipeg, Canada. We’ll have to migrate that team south of the border… Strait of Hormuz to American Strait of Hormuz. We keep Hormuz in the name because we respect foreign cultures. If you can conceive of other countries having a culture… Panama Canal to America Canal. It’s even closer to us than the American Strait of Hormuz. And who built the damn canal after the French (you’d figure) gave up? Besides, the America Canal connects the American Ocean to the American Ocean West. The world owes us! And yes, we’ll collect tolls. Huge!…

Mexico to America Sur. Again, we’re culturally sensitive. Sur is Spanish for South. Wait, “sensitive” is a woke word. It’ll be appropriate when the Messicans elect a Jewish woman as their president. Wait! Is Claudia a woman’s name? Is Sheinbaum a Jewish name? Let’s go with America South!… German Shepherd to American Shepherd. America also has cattle and sheep, you know. Even if ranchers have trouble breaking even. Besides, you crawl into your doghouse (the dogs, not the ranchers) on American soil, you’re an American-Fricken-Shepherd… 

Columbus Day to American Conquest Day. Where’d Columbus land? The Dominican Republic? The English who set foot in Virginia, Massachusetts, New York and Florida were real Americans. Except for the Spanish in Florida. Ultimately, Americans overran the whole damn continent and exterminated or corralled the natives, who didn’t even speak English (at first). It’s about time we honor real American heroes…

Statue of Liberty to Statue of America the Beautiful. A French statue in New York Harbor is hard to take. And she’s no beauty given those vacant eyes and the shmata hiding her figure. But at least she’s white. And white is beautiful, right? That’s why she holds up a torch that says, “If you’re from a shithole country, I’ll roast your black, brown or yellow ass.”

Mr. President, I hope you have enough Sharpies for signing those name changes. Like California to Not Really America.

The post will take off next Friday and return on September 21.

Enjoy a great read about America’s 20th-century flirtation with authoritarianism in my novel RIDE THE TYGER. Order from Amazon, barnesandnoble.com, iuniverse.com, or your favorite bookstore.