MY BANK KERFUFFLE—A FABLE August 8, 2025

Dealing with numbers like your bank balance can be exasperating.

I went online to see the balance in the checking account Carolyn and I maintain to pay household bills and collect Social Security. The website was way out of whack! Our balance appeared only in the low four-digit range ($1,000–$9,999). I expected to see a balance in the high five digits ($10,000–$99,999).

I telephoned the bank. After pushing buttons and listening to elevator music, I reached a representative. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself. As my mother often advised, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

The rep said, “Hello, Mr. Perlstein. I’m Claude, a real-live human being. How may I help you?”

I suspected an AI program but played along. “Claude, I have a problem.” I quoted him the phony checking balance I’d just seen. “It’s way, way low.”

“Actually, Mr. Perlstein,” Claude said, “it looks correct to me. Unless you just made a deposit the system hasn’t picked up. But honestly, we crunch the data instantaneously.”

I started to heat up then cooled myself down. Honey, right? “Numbers, data. Are you serious? You think I remember when I make deposits? Or write checks? Or transfer funds?”

Claude chuckled. “Actually, you don’t have to remember. You can go online 24/7 and see all your activity. And your balance.”

What part of, You’re screwing me, did he not get? “I don’t care what my online activity shows. How do I know it’s accurate? Or that you’re deliberately not crediting deposits and inflating bill payments? Paying phony bills?”

“I hear you, Mr. Perlstein,” Claude said. “But we would never do that. If we did, our bank—the whole American banking system—would collapse. No one would trust anyone. The country would descend into chaos.”

I chuckled—not to break the tension but at his naivete. “Claude, you think chaos hasn’t already enveloped America? There are forces out to bring this nation to its knees. Forces in deep, dark places controlled by deep, dark men—complexion aside. Look at those fake numbers coming out of Washington related to the budget, taxes and jobs.”

“Do you mean the jobs report released last week? Fewer jobs created than expected? The figures for the previous two months lowered—if I may use the term—precipitously?”

“Now you’re catching on,” I said. “Only 73,000 jobs created in July? Probably more like 250,000—minimum. But the Deep State wants to smear Donald Trump’s economic miracle. That’s why he fired Erika McEntarfer, the Bureau of Labor Statistics Commissioner.”

“May I ask, Mr. Perlstein, if the president, before firing Ms. McEntarfer—who didn’t work with the data at all but only reported it—had his staff check out the numbers?” 

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from a mere bank functionary. “You think the President of the United States has time to review the data himself or ask his people to check on how the BLS reached its figures?” 

Claude’s voice went completely honey. “Well, Mr. Perlstein, here at the bank, we employ systems that check and double-check our data and—wait, look at this. You’re overdrawn.”

Needless to say, I texted my lawyer. He responded that he’d get back to me—someday.

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