THE GULF OF WHAT? - David Perlstein

Donald Trump may keep Carolyn and me from going on the Panama Canal cruise we’ve occasionally talked about.

Last Monday, Trump ~~held court~~ gave a press conference at Mar-a-Lago sure to fuel the MABA movement. Make America Bigger Again. The lust for empire, which marked much of this nation’s activities in the 19th century, has risen from the ashes. Enough, you see, is never enough.

For starters, our cruise itinerary would have to undergo a sea change (pun intended). Our journey couldn’t begin or end in the Gulf of Mexico, because King Donald wants to rename it the Gulf of America. I’m under the impression that even more of the Gulf touched Mexican shores before we yanked Texas, along with other states, California included, from Mexico. But, as Shakespeare wrote, “What’s in a name?”

Actually, plenty. I’m not sure other countries will replace “Gulf of Mexico” on their maps. Or many American mapmakers and publications. Then again, the change would certainly show up in many red-state textbooks. Laggards would face the full penalty of the law—were there one—as proclaimed by the King/convicted felon and interpreted by his Department of Revenge-Justice.

Then, there’s the so-called Panama Canal. Trump wants to seize it back from Panama, breaking the treaty signed by the late President Jimmy Carter after years of negotiations. How could a “shithole country” hold such a prize? Carolyn and I would have to sail through the America Canal. Unless Trump named it the Five Families Canal, honoring the Mafia consortium that once ruled New York City crime.

Maybe we’d sail through the Trump Canal. Entities such as Trump Steaks, Trump Air, Trump University and the Trump Plaza hotel/casino in Atlantic City didn’t fare well. Who cares?

The challenge of naming things would expand. What to call Greenland after we wrest it from Denmark. The Danes don’t want to sell? As we used to say in New York, “Tough noogies.” Last Monday, Trump would not rule out the use of armed force.

He did, softhearted guy, say that he wouldn’t use our military to make Canada our 51st state. The U.S. would use “economic force.” Would 40 million Canadians accept being known as residents of the State of Arctica, or North Minnesota, or, well Trumpland? There’s Washington state, you know.

How about Denmark as our 52nd state?

Back to New York City. I see the borough of Queens, where Trump and I grew up, undergoing a name change pursuant to some executive order backed up by the DOR-J and Department of Defense. For a manly man like Trump, coming from Queens (County) is downright effeminate. Yet next door lies Brooklyn, officially Kings County. Why not rename Queens, Kings—and Brooklyn, Queens County?

Or, the Oval Office merges the existing Brooklyn and Queens into Trump County. Should that happen, I’ll only cop to growing up in Rego Park, a Queens (Kings/Trump) neighborhood.

Given his love of empire, England’s King George III would be proud of King Donald, even if Trump doesn’t wear a gold crown encrusted in jewels. Yet. Then again, isn’t George III the king the American colonists rebelled against? Is freedom just a word?

I fear that many cruel lessons in reality will confront the United States of Trump. Lessons learned will be few.

Please pass on this post.

And, do contribute to my legal fees when I’m arrested for exercising my First Amendment rights, as established by the Constitution but reinterpreted by King Donald.

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