POTUS’ FLYING PALACE May 23, 2025

The Defense Department just accepted a luxury Boeing 747 gifted by Qatar to serve as Air Force One. But that’s only half the story.

The new plane, meant to serve only King Donald, must undergo serious modifications to make it presidentially secure. But other changes will be made in response to Oval Office demands. The new, temporary Air Force One will include:

Throne room. Trump will receive U.S. political leaders, billionaires, foreign dignitaries and Kid Rock in a private setting complete with golden throne. A manufacturer from London will create an appropriate crown along with an ermine-lined purple cape with gold fasteners. Both will be gifts from unnamed sycophants.

Golf room. The president will play 18 holes—36 on long flights—on a next-generation golf simulator. Artificial intelligence will provide play on the world’s most iconic courses. AI will advise him on distance to each hole, wind conditions and the right club. It also will analyze the president’s swing and adjust the ball mid-flight. The president is expected to shoot eight to ten strokes under par every time out—minimally.

McDonald’s. A regulation McDonald’s kitchen will serve Big Macs, Chicken McNuggets, fries and shakes within three minutes of request. Products will be prepared around the clock with expired food dumped over nations designated as “food deprived.”

Dressing room. A fifty-foot-long closet will be stuffed with blue suits, white shirts, and dozens of red (and some blue) ties in lengths from eye-popping to XXX. Mirrors gifted by the Italian firm Carnivale will reflect presidential images twenty to forty pounds slimmer. A staff stylist will apply shades of orange facial makeup to meet the president’s daily whim. A second stylist will handle comb-overs with combs of ivory poached from Africa.

Dual media quarters. Patriotic, Jesus-fearing reporters will enjoy first-class pod seats. Meals—including Big Macs—snacks and drinks will be prepared in a special kitchen and available throughout each flight. Criminal, corrupt reporters, like The Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg, will be maintained in a separate wing—or out on one of the wings. They will occupy plastic seats from trashed San Francisco buses. Snacks will be available from vending machines refilled periodically. These will require tokens valued at twenty-five cents American. So-called journalists can purchase sets of four at two dollars each.

Dunce corner. Reporters asking probing questions will be escorted to a small, closet-size room—think a New York studio-apartment closet—for a time-out. They will be made to sit on a stool facing a corner, both walls adorned with portraits of Donald Trump riding a white horse.

Jail cell. Given the expense of turning Qatar’s gift into an aircraft meeting Air Force One standards, the plane will have an eight-foot-square jail cell capable of detaining three-dozen illegal aliens—standing. They will be dropped over the Atlantic or Pacific Ocean to avoid the cost of imprisonment in El Salvador or South Sudan. To further rein in expenses, parachutes will not be provided.

Modifications to the new plane will include engines twice as powerful as those they came with. Gold decorations and other crucial items—including gold toilets with mink-covered seats—would weigh it down. 

No question, Donald Trump will fly in style. Kings, emirs, autocrats and Canadian prime minister Mark Carney, eat your hearts out. When you stop laughing.

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