Russia threatens Ukraine. Nigerians cry for schoolgirls abducted by Islamist terrorists. China and Vietnam confront each other over sea rights. Turkey and Thailand are in turmoil. Again. And Iran, says a UN report, is developing more advanced ballistic missiles. So this is the perfect time for me to announce that I’m thinking about considering maybe running for the presidency in 2016.
Here in America, we’re not making much news. Politics have entered the dog days. Primary elections approach. Few voters will participate. With summer almost here followed by November midterms, Congress maintains a low profile. Since nature abhors a vacuum, what better time to steal a few headlines?
Question: Can I offer Americans more than Hillary Clinton or Jeb Bush or Rand Paul if I ponder kind of thinking about possibly competing for the Oval Office? Answer: Definitely maybe. Because I’m willing to reveal just what’s behind my ambitions:
— I want to sleep in the presidential bedroom on Air Force One. I’ve flown overseas first-class, and while the seats turn into beds, they’re not all that comfortable. Don’t get me wrong. First-class is great. But Air Force One takes flying to another level just below that of some of the newer Middle East airlines.
— I want to travel the world on someone else’s dime, and have a staff do all the planning. I’ve been lucky enough to explore Western Europe, Israel, Jordan, Thailand and Cambodia. I spent three nights in Tokyo. Mexico and Canada? Been there. But every trip cost me money. As president, you visit interesting places and meet self-important people for free. And few people complain that you accomplished nothing.
— I want to deliver the annual State of the Union address so I can quote from any of my books, like The Boy Walker. Imagine the spike in sales! Not to mention heavyweight contracts for future books.
— I want to throw out the first ball at major league home openers and get great seats at NFL, NBA and NHL games. Do you know how much premium seats cost? And beer? That sucking sound you hear is concessionaires emptying your wallet.
— I want to light the national chanukiah on TV—all eight nights.
— And yes, I want both the presidential retirement package and those six- and seven-figure fees for giving speeches saying what I’ve already said.
Sure, I might be able to help Americans at a time when millions are unemployed or underemployed. And advance an energy policy that makes sense not just in theory but also in reality. And even spur real-world talks between Israel and the Palestinians—unless they’ve read my previous posts suggesting that each side make meaningful concessions rather than blow out a lot of hot desert air. Admittedly, given the way things are, I might not—which wouldn’t add up to less than other presidents’ records.
But this I can tell you. My reasons for entering political life will be open and aboveboard. I’ll say what I mean and mean what I say. Sure, all politicians promise that. But how many put it in writing
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