LOVE LETTER FROM MOSCOW March 7, 2025

The internet revealed Vladimir Putin wrote Donald Trump after Trump’s address to the nation last Tuesday. I herein pass it on. Everyone knows, if it’s on the internet, it’s true.

Tovarich Donald: I applaud 99-minute speech you gave Tuesday night America time. Comrade’s advice: Leader’s speech should be minimum three hours. Four, better. Five, you show heroic strength. Six: Everyone knows who has bladder of steel. (You pee behind lectern.)

Also, you wish peace after Ukraine dictator Zelensky started war with Russia. I also wish piece. My English spelling correct: p-i-e-c-e. Only way to make peace is give Russia piece of Ukraine in settlement. “Settlement” is synonym—you know word?—for “surrender.” What kind piece? Big piece. But Russia is peaceful people. Also patient. Big piece now. Second big piece in year or two. Rest after that. 

About minerals, no worries. We make deal. You take from Ukraine now, from Russian Ukraine later. Trump Minerals, Inc. cashes in. Vladimir Putin cashes in. Great leader can never have too many billions dollars. (Rubles? As they say in New York where you grew up: “fuhgeddaboudit!”)

We also divide world. Xi Jinping gets Asia. Who wants? America makes Canada 51st state, Greenland 52nd, Panama 53rd, Gaza 54th. Maybe Argentina 55th. Elon Musk is tovarich with their president, Javier Milei. If Milei objects? Twenty-foot chainsaw cut him down to size.

Remember, you are hero, almost greatest man in world ever. Greatest? Me. You said in speech you accomplished more than any U.S. president. You rank ahead of George Washington. Warning: That not big deal. Washington was wimp. Could have been king. Left presidency after eight years. Wimp!

Everyone knows Donald Trump is bigger man than that. Legend! Second Jesus. You said, “I was saved by God to make America great again.” Like God chose me to make Russia great again. 

Bottom line: Russia and America grab everything—Warsaw nice in spring—rule world with China. Then send China to dustbin of history. Is God’s plan.

Three last pieces (I like word) advice. First, silence Senator Elissa Slotkin. Woman gave traitorous Democratic “rebuttal” to your speech. Slotkin dangerous. Knows how to say much in only few minutes. In Russia, women have only one place: at home raising babies. America needs more white, Christian babies. Maybe you father more. Wife does not have to know, like when you had affairs with porn stars. 

Second, you as manly man must appear in Capitol bare-chested like yours truly when riding horses. Women love me. Men envy me. For Christian modesty sake, wear five-foot-long red tie as symbol you are manly man in every way. 

Completing troika, watch back. You think Elon Musk and vice-president-stooge JD Vance friends? In autocracy business, no one has friends. Is room only one manly man at top. Others who kiss zad (ass) in public plan to hit you in yaytsa (balls) in private. Is pun. Yaytsa also means “privates.”

No worries. Strong men cover zad. Airplanes with enemies fall from sky. Enemies on land fall to ground from sudden illness. Maybe stray bullet. These acts of God.

You smart man, Donald. Stay in White House in 2029. Be king. Be emperor! I have your back. (You have eyes in back of head?)

Hugs and kisses (manly kind), Vladimir Vladimirovich.

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