LIFE IN THE SLOW LANEJanuary 31, 2025
Some people are quick about things and respond to life in the moment, but I live life in the slow lane. When you do that, you learn to laugh at yourself. After all, other people are laughing at you. So, how slow am I?
I’m so slow, I get dizzy watching paint dry and grass grow… My image in the mirror leaves the bathroom five minutes before I do… At baseball games, I stand for the seventh-inning stretch during the top of the ninth.
My shadow reaches the other side of the street before I’m halfway there. The little man in the Cross/Don’t Cross sign pumps his fist to rally me forward… I said “I do” to Carolyn mid-way through our honeymoon… I placed a bet on the Yankees to win the 2024 World Series in six games three days after the Dodgers won in five. When I’m angry, I count to ten and reach eight the next day.
I once lost a one-meter dash to a French snail. In all fairness, he was on France’s Animalympics team. As a reward, they didn’t pop him in a butter-filled pan for a week. It took me three hours to explain that I eat kosher-style, so I wouldn’t be sharing the treat. Thank God the French are almost as slow as I am when it comes to sitting through a meal… To my credit, I nosed out Joe Biden in a ten-meter dash. He gave me a five-meter head start… I hum Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” in half an hour.
When I was born, my mother’s obstetrician told my parents I should be written up in all the medical journals; the 12-month pregnancy would expand medical knowledge… I had my first birthday at 18 months… The film of my bar-mitzvah party had to be shown in fast motion to make my cutting my cake look almost normal… My hair grows faster than I can walk.
I’m so slow, I sat down at a speed-dating event after everyone left… I head to San Francisco International 24 hours before my departure. I only miss half my flights… When I stroll through Golden Gate Park, caterpillars call out, “On your left.”… For safety’s sake, I break on green lights.
During dinner, I watched Steve Martin and Martin Short in “Only Murders in the Building,” and burst out laughing after I got into bed… More than one hotel banned me from trying to enter through its revolving doors… I get to the House of Bagels three blocks away at sunrise for bagels just out of the oven and make it home at noon. On good days.
In elementary school, when roll call was taken each morning, I said “here” after lunch… I blew out the candles on my 80th-birthday cake, and reached 23 by the time everyone left… When a play ends, I start applauding in my car. Makes it tough to give a standing ovation… I get my third Chanukah candle lit on the eighth night… I start filling out Chanukah cards for my kids the next night. They get them just after Passover.
I’m so slow, this piece was scheduled for posting last March.
And really finally, because it took me a little time to think of this, enjoy more silliness with “Chicken Vindaloonies.”
Please pass this post to someone—if you dare.
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Now that’s funny!
Glad you laughed, David. And that you didn’t wait until next week to read the riff.