GUESS WHO’S HOSTING THE OSCARS August 15, 2025

Donald Trump is clearly demonstrating to America that busyness is next to godliness.

Last February, Trump appointed himself chair of D.C.’s Kennedy Center for Performing Arts. This past Wednesday, Trump announced the—his—Kennedy Center honorees. They include Sylvester Stallone who, along with Mel Gibson and Jon Voight, will be his “eyes and ears” in Hollywood. 

Americans loving entertainment, Trump said he will host the next Kennedy Center awards presentation. Joe Rogen apparently has other pressing business. 

But Trump isn’t stopping there.

As PRESIDENT!!!, he can claim a large number of entitlements, even if they’re not spelled out—or hinted at—in the Constitution. Some courts may disagree, but with the stroke of a Sharpie, Trump will take on just about any role. He has quite a few in mind.

Cue a new role in Hollywood. Trump will cast himself as host of the 2026 Academy Awards. This should pose no problem for Oscar® fans given his long starring run on TV’s “The Apprentice.” 

Trump will also seek to clean up lib Hollywood. He’ll fire the leadership of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. He’ll put in his own president (sorry, Lynette Howell Taylor, elected July 31) and board of governors (equally sorry, Lou Diamond Phillips, representing the Actors Branch).

Guess who will choose the nominees and winners in every category?

Stallone, Gibson and Voight will win Oscars even if they don’t appear in a film this year. As to Trump’s other selections, a gold Ouija board will spare Academy members the laborious task of having to watch movies.

Sadly, the PRESIDENT!!! will still have time on his hands. Not to worry, though.

Donald Trump’s manly signature will soon appear on major league baseballs as he assumes the role of MLB commissioner. A lock for the Baseball Hall of Fame, Trump will steamroll any thorny problems confronting the national pastime. For example, his big, bold Sharpie signature will smear more black on the otherwise white baseballs. Solution—beyond making his signature smaller (fuhgeddaboudit) or using a pen with a finer point: Coat the white leather gold while supersizing the horsehide and Trump’s signature. Result: Donald Trump’s big, beautiful balls.

A trade imbalance problem solved: Since 1987, Rawlings has manufactured MLB baseballs in Costa Rica (Central America). They speak Spanish there. Spanish! Definitely un-American, amigos. The new commissioner will impose a 1,000-percent tariff on Costa Rican-made baseballs, forcing Rawlings to open a manufacturing plant here in the U.S.—say, reliably red West Virginia. The balls may no longer be white, but the factory’s workers will be.

More gold: Trump seems to be preparing for a post-presidency career in design. He’s redone the Oval Office to resemble the gold-on-gold world of Mar-a-Lago and had the White House Rose Garden paved over. Doubtless, you’ve seen renderings of the new 90,000-square-foot ballroom Trump wants to build. A July 31 White House statement termed it “ornate.” An understatement?

On the international front, PRESIDENT!!! Trump will find time to bring peace to Ukraine and Gaza while running law enforcement in Washington, D.C. and a host of cities in blue states. He’ll play more golf, too. And make himself president of the Professional Golfers Association.

Maybe, following Roman tradition, America’s busiest man just might appoint himself a god. 

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