A BIRTHDAY, A MARRIAGE AND HEALING December 6, 2024

My wife Carolyn turned 77 last Tuesday, and we’ve been married 55+ years, both of which I address to a fragmented America.

Carolyn proudly proclaims her age. Many people fudge theirs, hoping to prove they remain strong physically and mentally to get that next promotion, job or desirable partner. Vanity plays a role. The legendary comedian Jack Benny (1894-1974) made a running gag of saying he was 39 long after he’d passed that marker.

Accepting our age and limitations frees us from the risks of self- and other-deception: biting off more than we can chew, getting caught lying and suffering embarrassment or worse. That attitude carries over to our 55+ years of good marriage. 

Carolyn and I recognize that it takes two. Moreover, “opposites” not only attract, but somewhat different personalities often make a couple stronger when each displays honesty and respect.

Two “mirror-image” people tend to want to fill the same roles. Competition emerges. Pick a task or issue, and each partner may weigh in with “Do it my way.” When a disagreement arises, and they’re inevitable, each likely will insist, “I’m right.” This eats away at a relationship.

Granted, Carolyn and I stake out a lot of our own individual turf. Yet there’s no wall between us. Look at it this way:

A Venn diagram displays two (in our case) or more related circles. Each contains “data sets,” or in our case, ways of seeing and doing things. The diagram shows where differences exist. Where the circles overlap, it reveals common ground. 

Some of Carolyn’s and my preferences differ. These generally refer to insignificant matters, like some (hardly all) TV shows and books. Our food tastes are a bit different. Yet we watch many of the same shows, read some of the same books, eat pretty much the same meals.

As two singular people, we approach problems or challenges by bringing to them distinct viewpoints. Each sees something the other doesn’t. This offers our marriage two skill sets. We divide our tasks at home, though either may take on the other’s.

For example, I handle the finances and most home-repair projects. However, Carolyn is spearheading new carpeting upstairs and work in our backyard. She does most of our travel planning. I do most of the driving and navigating to and at destinations.

Carolyn cooks most of the time. I help prep. I also wash dishes and pans that don’t go into the dishwasher. She dries. Except when she washes and I dry. We usually make the bed together.

The overlap area in the Venn diagram represents important areas of agreement. Despite our different backgrounds (New York, Waco), Carolyn and I share the same basic values. This has led to a cohesive life together by learning to compromise without rancor when we differ.

And yes, loving each other plays a major role.

As to 330 million Americans, our political system sadly focuses outside the overlaps. Yet most of us love and uphold family ties, friendships, honesty, hard work and celebrating life, including birthdays and anniversaries.

At some point, hopefully, we’ll see more “reaching across the aisle” both in Congress and among the American people. Acknowledging that red, blue or purple, we share much in common offers a healthy first step in healing an ailing nation.

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