The media have speculated about the usual suspects regarding Donald Trump’s vice-presidential candidate. But let’s not overlook lesser-knowns heading under-the-radar conservative groups. Here are their selling points they provided in recent interviews.

Marry Anne Cross, Make America Christian Again. “America must be Christian in more than name only. The Founding Fathers—the Mothers were busy rearing children, wanted or not—hardly considered Jews, Muslims, Hindus and anyone else who turned their back on Jesus Christ as real Americans. Don’t let our critics fool you. We know the First Amendment. This nation won’t make an official religion of Southern Baptists, Methodists or Lutherans. Christianity cuts across almost all non-liberal denominations. Working with friends like Power to the President, I’ll help Still-President Trump dictate his own Constitutional amendment establishing the Christian States of America.”

Walls R Us, Lindbergh Ferster. “Donald Trump has it wrong. That’s a startling statement, isn’t it? Let me clarify. We should build all the walls President Trump wants. If Mexico won’t pay, how about Honduras? But let’s also wall off our precious nation from un-American Canada. And put walls on our coasts—maybe in the water, maybe on land. Maybe around San Francisco. That will keep out murderers, drug dealers, rapists and other brown people.” 

Patriot Voters USA, Orville White-White. “How can you call America a functioning democracy if intellectually and culturally unqualified people can vote? I propose a simple fix. Every white person 18 or over gets two votes. Every non-white gets one. We also raise the non-white voting age to 35 when their inferior frontal lobes should have developed somewhat. Am I reading President Trump’s mind or what?”

Power to the President, Lina Musso. “President Trump has called for enhancing presidential power to finally take down the Deep State. How can the Justice Department do justice when it’s so politically motivated? It keeps investigating our Greatest. President. Ever., gathers evidence, interviews witnesses, then goes to a grand jury of assorted dimwits (here I agree with Orville) to seek indictments and gets them. Un-American. Let me add I have no doubt that Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton and all Democrats—have to throw in Kamala Harris—are child pornographers and groomers hiding behind the supposed Constitutional right that Americans are presumed innocent until proven guilty. No question, some Americans—love you, Donald—should never be subjected to miscarriages of justice like the Woke—can I use DeSantis’ favorite word?—nonsense about equality before the law. Also, we need to talk about UFOs.”

End the War, Carl Tucker. “I can help deliver President Trump’s promise to hand Ukraine to Russia—Vladimir Putin is my hero, too—in 24 hours and keep American dollars from supporting Ukraine’s Jewish Nazi president. [Muffled question from reporter.] Oh? Did he say just end the war? Same thing.”

Quentin Quarles, Truth Anonymous. “Is it really coincidence that July 4 and January 6 both start with a ‘J’ and have a single-digit date? And that the name of the people funding the Deep State also starts with a “J”? George Soros, you know who I mean.”

None of the above likely will be Trump’s pick should he receive the Republican nomination. But if they’re not quite strong enough to run for Veep, they’ll still earn applause as right-thinking people.

The post will take next Friday off and return on August 4.

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  1. David Newman on July 21, 2023 at 11:54 am

    Ha? Or too close to reality to be funny.

    • David Perlstein on July 21, 2023 at 12:01 pm

      If we don’t laugh at reality, David, we’re goners.

      • Carolyn Power on July 21, 2023 at 12:17 pm

        Said with sarcastic innocence, “You mean these aren’t real people!?! Oh my!” I guess we aren’t in Kansas anymore.

        • David Perlstein on July 21, 2023 at 1:13 pm

          Kansas is long gone, Carolyn.

  2. Karen Shay on July 21, 2023 at 10:10 pm


    This is just brilliant. You have the “voice” of each of the possible “veepers” down PERFECTLY in both tone and toxic intent. It reads like the script from a political black comedy written by a very savvy screenwriter. You are a little terrifying my friend when one considers how close to reality your veeper candidates might well be. Gallows humor?

    • David Perlstein on July 22, 2023 at 8:58 am

      Thanks, Karen. When it comes to writing this material, reality does all the heavy lifting.

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