TRUMP’S 10 COMMANDMENTSApril 5, 2024

Once, presidents of the United States wrote books after they left the White House. Donald Trump hustles a book he didn’t write.

Trump is flogging his “God Bless the USA Bible” for $60 a pop. It comes complete with the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, Pledge of Allegiance and lyrics to Lee Greenwood’s song “God Bless the USA.” No doubt, as God intended. Or someone’s version of God.

The Trump Bible—the Christian version—remains true to its predecessors with one exception. To help push America to be blessed by another Trump term in the Oval Office, Trump has annotated (plain text below) the 10 Commandments. This, he hopes, will give himself some political wiggle room. I managed to take a peek.

1. You shall have no other gods but me. Should read BUT US. Unless with the Trinity, it makes four. Doesn’t matter. I’m NUMBER ONE! 

2. You shall not make unto you any graven images. Confederate Generals are okay, though. (Good People on both sides.) Statues and Portraits of ME help artists make a living. Boost the Economy. And my Legal Defense Fund gets a CUT.

3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain. I swear on God’s name, God wants you to curse Goddam OLD MAN SLEEPY CROOKED JOE BIDEN. Throw in Harris and Obama, also. And everyone at DOJ from Garland on down. That ATLANTA WOMAN, too!

4. You shall remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Piece of Cake. (I’ll have two.) Start with playing 18 HOLES (get it???) on Sunday and see if you can work up to 36. I play 54. I’m at least 10 SHOTS UNDER for each Round.

5. Honor your mother and father. Especially if your Father gives you $250,000 when you’re a kid, brings you into his Business, and teaches you how to keep BLACKS—I love the BLACKS; I have SEVERAL—out of your Apartment Buildings.

6. You shall not murder. Unless you fire a Gun on Fifth Avenue after you come out of Trump Tower and you’re SMARTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE, A GENIUS, so NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. 

7. You shall not commit adultery. If a Woman’s attracted to you and you happen to be married, you’re supposed to DENY HER PLEASURE, HURT HER FEELINGS? Un-Christian!!!

8. You shall not steal. That’s why you (maybe) pay Accountants.

9. You shall not bear false witness. How did God know there would be Democrats? Know the definition of a Democrat? Someone who believes in ALTERNATE REALITIES. (Election was STOLEN!!!)

10. You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor. My neighbors covet ME. Look at the Porn Stars I’ve had, each one a Virgin. And the Coveters wish they had half MY MONEY. And that’s AFTER PHONY COURT PENALTIES. As God is—or I am—MY Witness, I’ll pay my Limo Driver by next month.

The prophet Micah (6:8) relates what the Lord requires: “Only to do justice / And to love goodness. And to walk modestly with your God.” 

Obviously, there are exceptions.

Disclosure: I haven’t been totally objective. Earlier, I reported the price of the “Trump Bible” as $60. It’s only $59.99. At that price, why wouldn’t you buy a bible from that man?

Please pass on this post.

Eid Mubarak!

Order The Short (Pun Intended) Redemptive Life of Little Ned in softcover or e-book from Amazon, barnesandnoble.com or iuniverse.com. Or your favorite bookstore.