THE LEAST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLDApril 15, 2016

In this world of digital celebrity, I have to make a terrible confession. No, I don’t snatch purses from little old ladies or take candy from babies. And you won’t see me in videos getting drunk, hitting on women and throwing punches. It’s worse.

I’m boring. You may have seen the Dos Equis beer commercials featuring The Most Interesting Man in the World. “When in Rome, they do as he does.” I’m the opposite. Over the years I’ve acquired the title of The Least Interesting Man in the World. Admittedly, I’ve earned it. I’m so boring…

When I comb my hair in front of the mirror, my reflection yawns… When I go on a walk, my shadow trails a block behind me… Comedy clubs pay me to stay home… At dinner parties, the hosts give me my own table… Insomnia clinics pay me to spend time with their patients… Mimes shout at me to go away.

As a young guy, I used to speed date alone… My laptop refuses to wake up when I click on the screen… Telemarketers hang up when I say hello… My dental hygienist cleans my teeth over Skype… When I deliver meals to homebound seniors, they make me leave them at the door.

When I talk to myself, I refuse to listen… People always warn my wife that my pacemaker has failed… Candles on my birthday cake blow themselves out… Friends and I go out to coffee by email… When I ask Siri a question, she turns off my iPhone.

I’m often asked if I need assistance returning to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum… When I sing in the shower, the water turns itself off… When I was young, my dates and I went to separate restaurants… When I cross the street, the walk sign waves me back… My college alumni association sent me a check to stay home on reunion weekend.

Bars deliver drinks to my house… My optometrist’s eyes start closing on E… At the old Playland by the Beach, Laughing Sal gave me the silent treatment… Facebook unfriended me… My therapist does all the talking.

When I fly by myself, airlines make me buy an entire row… Little kids read me stories so I’ll doze off… The newspaper informed my family they’ll never print my obituary… Dogs sniff me, lie down and play dead… Jehovah’s Witnesses plead with me not to bother Jesus… I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, the brand is generic.

Now you know. Dos Equis is retiring The Most Interesting Man in the World. They’ve given him a one-way ticket to Mars. I doubt I’ll be starring in their next ad campaign. But perhaps my title as The Least Interesting Man in the World is better than no title at all. Although I have nothing particular to say about that.

If you’ve been enjoying these posts—and you weren’t too bored to get through this one—suggest to family and friends that they check out davidperlstein.com. Post something on Facebook, too. But please, not a video of you yawning at my photo.

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