Russia justifies massing 100,000 troops on its border with Ukraine in response to NATO encroachment. But Vladimir Putin recently sent Joe Biden his real demands.
“Comrade Joe: Do not mind ‘Comrade.’ Takes me back to glorious days of Soviet Union, which all Russia wishes to return. Except way things are now, situation not bad.
“Enough pleasantries. Who gives shit about Ukraine and NATO? I withdraw troops (Vodka rations drinking up army’s budget) when White House meets three demands (only feminized West refers to ‘requests’). These enable me to retire with head still attached to neck and shoulders.
“One: U.S. underwrites new James Bond movie starring me. Makes sense. Underlings in Moscow assure me I resemble Daniel Craig except more handsome and manly. I will play previously unknown cousin—Vladimir Bondsky. I am paid salary $100 million U.S. America also covers personal security and incidentals (like vodka). You can hide funding in defense budget. Works like charm!
I also dictate—excuse word—who is screenwriting team. I choose top talent with long list of Kremlin-approved credits. Being generous person, I take only half their fees in commissions. Also, I have rights to director’s cut. This way, film includes important scenes as follows:
“Vladimir Bondsky rides tiger bare-chested. Clarification: Vladimir Bondsky is bare-chested. Tiger wears shirt and tie. Also, I knock out polar bear in second round of bareknuckle boxing match. (First-round knockout not believable.) Finally, I score thirteen goals in five-minute hockey game against North American National Hockey League all-stars paid to kill me by evil white-haired villain named Sam. (Resemblance to Uncle Sam fictional. Name of villain non-negotiable.)
“Two: United States underwrites U.S. television network—broadcast, cable or streaming not important—to give me three-year, $1.5 billion U.S. to star in reality show. I do three shows each spring. First season: Ride tiger bare-chested, box with polar bear, play hockey—me and girlfriend (goalie) against six NHL all-stars. Second season premier (I love word): I bake banana bread topped with sour cream and caviar. Third season—we see.
“U.S.A. also provides girlfriend and me 12-bedroom, 15-bath home in Beverly Hills. Also chauffeured Bentley plus Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren for personal speeding (tickets paid for by slush fund, points against license erased).
“Three: ‘Friends of Hero Vlad’ provide winter estate in Palm Beach—minimum twenty percent larger than Mar-a-Lago. For your eyes only, Comrade Joe: Trump is schmuck. I make Russia great again. Trump turns America into Hungary. He idolizes me? Of course. But voted out of office? How this works?
“So, I am president or prime minister of Russia 22 years. You help me retire, or I stay in Kremlin forever. Is good reason you play along. When you leave office (how that works?), you and Dr. Wife guests at Beverly Hills mansion or estate in Palm Beach. Serve as personal art consultant—your son paints, I hear—for fee of $5 million U.S. (Another $5 million U.S. in canvas bag under your bed when you visit.)
“Comrade Joe, do not answer, ‘I not have power to grant simple wishes.’ Are you wimp like Trump? Manly man to not so manly man: not to worry about pay-offs hidden in Pentagon and Treasury budgets. Stealing billions of rubles piece of Moskva cake. Same with dollars. Ask Trump.”
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