Much has been made about government documents Donald Trump stashed at Mar-a-Lago. I’ve accessed the Department of Justice’s list of personal items to be returned. The following bear stickies with Trump’s comments. (Note: DOJ semi-redacted key words.) Items include . . .

A photo of President Trump and Russian president Vladimir Putin. Trump’s note: I’m KING PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES so Putin can kiss my AXS. Only fair. I kissed His . . .  A pointy-topped white satin hood with eyeholes and a red cross: Love the Look but would FXXK up MY Hair. Still, there are GREAT PEOPLE on both sides.

A newspaper clipping of Mr. Trump and contestants at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow: The Girls kiss my AXS. Only fair since I GXXB TXXM BX TXE PXXXY . . . A receipt for the purchase of Hawaii Sunset Orange hair dye: MY so-called “Advisors” (like I need Anyone’s Advice—I’m always the SMARTEST GUY in the Room!!!) want ME to go WHITER. But my Crowds of Admirers already scream like I’m a Rock Star (Cher, eat your FXXXXXG heart out—although I wouldn’t mind GXXXXXXG HXR BX TXE PXXXY).

A ketchup-stained paper bag from McDonald’s: Best FXXXXXG Big Mac ever and I’ve eaten THOUSANDS . . .  A letter from a cardiologist warning Trump about his eating habits: So-called “Doctor” is a SXXXXXK (Yiddish for PXXXK)!!! Love to see Him play 18 Holes walking and carrying His Own Bag. I would, but MY so-called “Advisors” (also SXXXXXXS) tell ME I have to go easy because I’m KING PRESIDENT.

A caricature of Hillary Clinton with a bullseye on her forehead: Bet that BXXXH Hillary wishes she was Sleepy Joe Biden, because She couldn’t beat me and He did. (Better file this away as SXXXR SXXXXT under sink in bathroom in Jersey when I get around to it. Put in Desk? Maybe flush it.) 

A large Ziploc bag containing a souvenir Saudi flag—green with white Arabic inscription and saber—and a lock of dark hair: Loved dancing in Riyadh holding that SWORD (Mine was BIGGEST!!!). Mohammed bin Salman gave me some Hair a Saudi Barber took off some FXXXXXG Traitor demanding a Free Press. That was after they lopped off his head. (JXE BXXXN, you listening?)

A golf scorecard from Trump’s Bedminster Old Course showing him finishing at 54 strokes—18 below the course’s par 72: Score would have gotten ME into Saudi’s new LIV tour where I’d KXXK AXS—if I hadn’t only played 9 holes.

A magazine photo of the mob attacking Congress on January 6, 2021: LOVE MY PEOPLE Who always buy my BXXXXXXT (FXXXXXG Bill Barr has a way with words) PEACEFULLY protesting the Steal. Would have told them to go home 10 minutes sooner and avoided Fake Dem Controversary if I wasn’t working MY way through MY McDonald’s Order and scamming skimming latest Issue of Golf Magazine.

Mr. Trump intends to store these items in his 27-floor presidential library tower to rise by the 18th hole of the Bedminster New Course. A private company will “Make the Building more secure than Fort Knox. Probably will have MORE GOLD!!!” To enter, scholars will pay a standard green fee. “AXXXXXE Libs will pay triple.” 

Order Lola Flores in softcover or e-book from or your favorite bookstore.

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