LET’S TAX UN-AMERICANSSeptember 16, 2011

Congress’ “supercommittee”—six Democrats and six Republicans—is now meeting to determine how to help the nation get out of its debt crisis. They’ll recommend budget cuts. That’s a given. But the idea of raising revenue remains a legitimate consideration.

As Doug Oberhelman, CEO of Caterpillar, told CBS News early this week, no politician who stands against revenues or budget cuts should even go through the door. In other words, if you can’t bring that mindset to the table, stay away from the table. Of course, Tea Party activists will question Mr. Oberhelman’s capitalist bona fides, although his company employs 93,000 people worldwide. But people say interesting things when they’re off their meds. Like the folks at the Tea Party-sponsored Republican presidential debate, who earlier this week cheered the idea of people without health insurance being left to die.

But hold on. Now is the time to think out of the Beltway. Because we can raise revenues without collecting a nickel from Americans. We’ll simply tap the wallets of un-Americans. Here’s what I propose:

• Place a dollar fee on every ticket sold to a foreign movie. Only un-Americans watch them, and they insult this nation when they do. As if Americans can’t make enough films to fill our theaters. Foreign movies take jobs from our actors and crafts folks. And those subtitles! You go out to see a movie, not read one. And while we’re at it, charge an annual licensing fee to watch BBC America on cable. As if any real American can understand what the British are saying, right?

• Put another buck fee on every meal served at or taken out of Chinese, Thai, Indian and Mexican restaurants. Our forefathers built America on fried chicken, chicken-fried steak, burgers and pizza. Oh wait… did pizza start in Italy?

• Take out a major chunk of the salary of every foreign player in the National Basketball Association. These guys come here to be famous and make millions. They should pay for the privilege—especially since they play for their own countries in the Olympics and other international tournaments. And while we’re at it, those foreign baseball and hockey players can help out, too.

• Re above, stick a fee on every ticket sold to Major League Soccer games. Real Americans don’t attend them. Oh, and send half the proceeds to the National Football League.

• Charge a $100 entry fee to every American returning from a vacation overseas—including Canada and Mexico. (Except me, since I serve as a goodwill ambassador for the USofA.) If God didn’t want us to go to Disneyland, Disneyworld and Dollywood, we’d never have staged the American Revolution and opened Colonial Williamsburg.

But don’t think I have all the answers. Prove that you’re a real American and send in some of your own suggestions. Because Congress and the “supercommittee” need all the help they can get.

No post on September 23. I’ll be traveling—in America!

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