Like most Americans, I’ve been thinking about our high rate of unemployment. True, it just dropped from 9.0 to 8.6 percent. That’s better but it’s still way too high—perhaps the one thing Democrats and Republicans can agree on. So what to do? I admit that Facebook comments, viral emails and talk-show hosts have been revealing the answer all along and I… I was too dumb to understand. But not anymore.

We can easily lower the unemployment rate to 7.6 percent, 4.6 percent and even 1.6 percent. All it takes is for every unemployed American to get off his or her backside and get a job.

Why Congress failed to pick up on this mystifies me. Democrats say that pumping up government spending will get all kinds of infrastructure and energy projects going and create jobs. Wrong! Republicans say that cutting government spending will put more money in businesses’ coffers and consumers’ wallets—and create jobs. Wrong! No wonder we witnessed the recent—if hardly unexpected—failure of the Congressional supercommittee. They didn’t get it.

But let’s not kid blame Congress. Or Wall Street. Or the banks. Or CEOs taking home ten or twenty or forty million dollars in salaries, bonuses and stock options. They all mean well. Let’s be honest and point the finger at the real guilty parties. Us! We Americans just don’t want to work. If we did, according to the pundits who’ve enlightened me, we would.

Take a middle manager who used to make $60,000 a year. Obviously, said manager would rather kick back on a fraction of that amount paid in unemployment insurance—while it lasts. And that’s despite Oprah going off the air months ago and Regis Philbin recently following suit. These lazy Americans would rather lie around the house all morning then spend all afternoon nursing a cup of coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts than barge into their old employers’ offices and demand their jobs back. Companies only lay off employees who want to be laid off.

Or maybe that former manager should barge into that Dunkin’ Donuts’ manager’s office and demand a job brewing and serving java. It wouldn’t pay much, but what’s really important is showing initiative. Every company wants employees with initiative. And they’ll hire those employees when they feel more confident about the future. Which they won’t until millions of work-averse Americans stand up and pledge allegiance to a marketplace unfettered by regulation and the continued recognition of corporations as legal persons for the purpose of making unlimited political donations to kill off regulations real or proposed. The problem is, Americans are couch potatoes. Maybe they’d stand up if they could, but they can’t.

Honestly, if the unemployed don’t realize that getting a job is as simple as saying, “I want a job,” then off with their heads. And if they somehow manage to hold on to their heads and keep making noise, then I propose a sobering retort: “Let them eat cake!”

We know how that worked out for Marie Antoinette and her crowd.

Want to respond? Click on “comments” above then go to the bottom of the article.

Read the first 2-1/2 chapters of SLICK! at To purchase a signed copy, email me at SLICK! also is now available at



  1. malana on December 2, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Thank you! I thought I was the only one who realized that it is only lazy people who are unemployed! But serious — I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

    • David on December 2, 2011 at 10:15 pm

      I trust you stopped laughing sufficiently to write your comment. You may resume a variety of chuckles and guffaws.

  2. Carolyn Power on December 2, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    Like the Bully character in The Simpson’s says, “Ha,ha!”

  3. Ron Laupheimer on December 3, 2011 at 12:03 am

    My first reaction—is David nuts! Then I thought about your sense of humor and accepted your diatribe for what it was. I assume others that know you and receive these weekly messages get your humor.

    But really what is the realistic solution to the current massive unemployment with the malfunctioning governments we have in Washington, D.C., Sacramento, San Francisco and throughout the rest of the country? My answer was the Democratic approach—have government help by creating jobs on projects that will result in decent jobs here in the United States and that will better U.S. citizens’ lives. The first step—stop all the wars immediately, bring our troops home now and use the saved monies on U.S.- based projects. Will that happen? Not with the current divisive governments. Just to type that is so depressing that I need a drink. See you at Temple tonight.


    • David on December 3, 2011 at 12:38 am

      Ron, you’re definitely on the right track. It’s incredible how many people on the far right blame the victims. And I’m glad you caught on to the satire. All the clues were in the writing. And does anyone really think Marie Antoinette got it right? Except maybe for Mitt, Newt and the gang.

  4. Tracy on December 3, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    I like how you weaved Gen 28:16 into the first paragraph. I see what you did there.


    • David on December 5, 2011 at 6:00 pm

      Let the scholars among us read that verse and understand. Hint: Think Joseph and the sulam (stairway, ladder or ramp) to heaven. Wait. Do you think I gave it away?

  5. Herb Z on December 5, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Is your tounge out of your cheek yet?

    • David on December 5, 2011 at 3:57 pm

      I’m still using sign language. One or two people think I’m looking for a handout.

Leave a Comment