DEPORTED FROM SAN FRANCISCO: A FABLEMarch 7, 2014

ROBIN: “I’m Robin Goldberg-Jimenez, and this is a KNUZ Radio special report on legislation regarding illegal residents recently passed by San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors. It seems that the board and the mayor are wasting no time in implementing the new law. Blake Wong-Shabazz reports from South of Market Street.”

BLAKE: “It’s chaos here, Robin. Or should I say one big happy celebration? It all depends on which side of the issue you stand. Police and sheriff’s deputies have fanned out over more than one square mile to roust what some San Franciscans call ‘undesirables.’ Many long-time neighborhood residents hail the move as setting things back to the way they used to be.”

ROBIN: “Blake, are the people being arrested putting up a struggle?”

BLAKE: “No signs of violence, but that’s to be expected, Robin. The illegal residents being handcuffed and placed in Muni buses for mass deportation beyond the city’s borders are young and energetic, but nearly all are college graduates. Many have graduate degrees. They’re not prone to violence. One young man I talked to while he was being cuffed said he’d rather not risk getting his expensive black-frame glasses broken.”

ROBIN: “And police and sheriff’s deputies are sure these people are illegals?”

BLAKE: “Robin, they say they’re absolutely sure. As you know, residents of San Francisco are required to submit their federal income tax returns to the city. Anyone under twenty-five earning more than forty-two thousand dollars must leave. Anyone from twenty-six to thirty can’t live in San Francisco if they make more than fifty-five thousand dollars. And there’s a whole grid of income qualifications for San Francisco residency to keep big earners under forty out, although the elimination age may be raised to forty-five for people without children.”

ROBIN: “Blake, I want to ask… wait… Our Jordan Matapang-O’Hara is coming in with big news from the Mid-Market area. Jordan?”

JORDAN: “I don’t know if you can hear all the commotion behind me, Robin, but that’s the sound of moving vans removing desks, sofas and espresso bars from all the social-media companies evacuating the area. They’re moving their offices out of town, they say, because their employees are being deported and don’t want to commute into San Francisco. Many companies are heading down to San Jose and some to the East Bay. A few are relocating to Nevada. The CEO of one up-and-coming tech company said she’s moving her operation to Waco, Texas.”

ROBIN: “Jordan, what have you heard from people who live nearby?”

JORDAN: “Well, no one really lives on Mid-Market… yet. They’ll wait for the moving vans to leave before they start occupying doorways and curbs. But one couple who lives in Bernal Heights did say that drugs, alcohol and prostitution on this stretch of Market Street are no problem for them, and that San Francisco is much better off when it promotes diversity.”

ROBIN: “That’s your KNUZ update on San Francisco’s purging of illegal residents. But wait. Our Sandy Brown-Krishna is at City Hall with an update on the mayor’s plan to trim San Francisco’s budget by thirty-five percent to meet this year’s projected drop in tax revenue. Sandy…”

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