AGING AND MAKING SPACE January 5, 2024

The American adoration of the rugged, hence isolated, individual becomes most unhelpful as people age. Installing a new Apple TV device offers a prime example.

Many elders refuse assistance. Let their children or grandchildren—or professionals—help them get along? That stands as an admission that independence is waning, that they’ll soon be removed from their home and imprisoned in some assisted-living or nursing residence. 

Certainly, remaining independent is a good thing. Seniors who do it best maintain good relationships with family and friends. Because they accept help, they live more healthily—physically, as well as mentally/emotionally. 

Carolyn and I (I turn 80 this year) are in good shape and plan to live in our home as long as our health allows. Still, we hope to recognize our limitations before they become critical. Importantly, we’ll look to our children for advice and assistance. 

A small case in point: Last week, our youngest son, Aaron, helped us with our new Apple TV. The device plugs in, but we needed to reinstall all the streaming services we use now or might in the future. That meant entering lots of IDs and passwords, most of the latter long and complicated.

We could have done it ourselves but only after hours of mistakes and a lot of cursing (on my part). Younger people know technology better. Aaron showed us shortcuts using Carolyn’s iPhone to download Amazon Prime, Netflix and the rest, then how to use the new Apple TV remote, the new model being a bit different. Total time elapsed: half an hour.

Too often, parents balk at accepting assistance from their adult children or close their minds to what their kids have to say about issues from family matters to geopolitics. Carolyn and I have been working to move away from that. I believe we’re getting there, making needed space for our kids in our relationships by recognizing them as the capable adults they are.

Recently, we chatted briefly about the future with Aaron and Yosi, who’d come up from L.A. (Seth was in Florida.) We don’t want any of the kids live with us if we need at-home support. They have their own lives, and we can afford to pay professionals to come by. But yes, Aaron, who lives in San Francisco, and/or his brothers can serve as our chief(s) of staff, helping us find services, monitoring caretakers and interacting with our financial advisor.

As with technology, learning from your children—and grandchildren—is a good and necessary thing. The late Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, in an online drash (small sermon), “Grandparents,” relates, “According to the Talmud Yerushalmi [Jerusalem Talmud], the greatest privilege is to have your grandchildren teach Torah to you.” 

I don’t expect Carolyn and I to be the kind of aging seniors who erect barriers around ourselves, refuse to believe that we have anything to learn from our kids. We won’t be saying, “I changed my children’s diapers. How can they help me?” Our eyes are open, and we see that our little tykes long have become trustworthy adults. 

A touch of humility and a dose of reality can improve elders’ health and wellbeing. That includes making it easier to stream the new season of Slow Horses starring Gary Oldman on Apple TV+.

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