Posts Tagged ‘Mick Jagger’

MY ALTERNATIVE FACTS

What’s all the fuss about President Trump calling his inauguration crowd the largest ever? And why bother with photos comparing Mr. Trump’s crowd with those of former president Barack Obama? Last Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” presidential counselor Kelleyanne Conway set us all straight. There are alternative facts. I find that comforting.

Alternative facts get down to ultimate truth. For me, that’s particularly important. My family and friends only think they know me. My alternative facts reveal someone else:

More people attended my bar-mitzvah than any of the fifty Super Bowls. The value of my gifts exceeded the combined ticket revenue and beer sales of last year’s game… When I attended Infantry Officer Candidate School at Fort Benning back in 1966-67, General William Westmoreland, commander of U.S. forces in Vietnam, called me weekly for consultation.

My hair is so beautiful my stylist tips me. So other men won’t get jealous, I die it gray… I’ve won more literary prizes than Meryl Streep has acting awards… My manhood is so large, New York’s American Museum of Natural History requested that it be exhibited there (after my death)—if they can find a room large enough… The Nobel Prize committee intends to honor me in three categories they plan to create just for me.

I not only coached the post basketball team at Fort Sam Houston, I played. In a twenty-point exhibition ass-kicking of the NBA’s New York Knicks, I held Hall of Famer Walt Frazier scoreless… When Carolyn and I visit London, we stay at Buckingham Palace. Queen Elizabeth thanks us for giving two weeks’ notice so she can find alternative accommodations… Three of the Bible’s most compelling characters were modeled after me.

My Koenigsegg CCXR Trevita is the world’s most expensive automobile. After a pigeon left a white spot on its hood, I donated my first to charity and had another made… In Churchill, Canada, I didn’t just feed wild polar bears out of my hand. I rode them… I once toured with the Rolling Stones, singing side by side with Mick Jagger. Calls rang out from adoring crowds: “Who’s that guy with David?”

I have more Olympic medals than last year’s publication totals of romance/erotica novels… My home is so palatial I have views of the Golden Gate Bridge and the Las Vegas Strip… The New York Times’ Sunday magazine plans a book-length profile of me—unless the New Yorker wins its Supreme Court case claiming exclusive rights to my story… I star in the world’s top-rated video game. No one plays. They just stare awestruck at the screen.

Dos Equis beer based its advertising campaign, “The Most Interesting Man in the World,” on my life. For credibility’s sake, they underplayed everything… The President of India greeted Carolyn and me when we arrived last October. Three times I turned down his request to rename the capital, New Delhi, Davidpur… Cosmopolitan magazine named me to their “Sexiest Men in the World” list—not just number one but also spots two through ten.

There’s more to a person than meets the eye, an organ prone to repeated failure. When we want the truth plain and simple, all we need is alternative facts. Which make it easy to live in an alternative reality.

If you enjoy these posts, suggest to family and friends that they check out davidperlstein.com. And please don’t support my running for president in 2020. The office would be a demotion.

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THE RIFF RAFF AT OUTSIDE LANDS

It was another step up on another big stage. Last Saturday, Hurray for the Riff Raff—my son Yosi, resident fiddler—performed at the Outside Lands festival in San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park. Carolyn and I were among the few seniors in a sold-out venue of 70,000 youthful partygoers. Here’s my report.

The more I see and hear, the more I appreciate the quality and integrity of Hurray for the Riff Raff. Alynda Lee Segarra, the band’s singer/songwriter, creates music that entertains while being socially conscious and thought provoking.

The band’s set went well. They opened performances at Sutro Stage at twelve-twenty. A good crowd assembled and had a great time, singing along and dancing. Of course, Carolyn and I were right up front. Note: Yosi changed bows during the performance. He explained later that wood bows often don’t do well outdoors; carbon fiber bows resist the weather.

After the performance, Carolyn and I, along with our son Aaron and son-in-law Jeremy went to the VIP hospitality pavilion overlooking the Polo Field. A tent at least 150 feet long, it offered tables and chairs, and other seating with a view of the Land’s End stage where Sir Elton John closed the festival Sunday night.

I ordered a beer. I was “carded.” I was required to get a green wristband proving I was 21. Well, I was—50 years ago. A young woman asked for ID. The man with her laughed and informed her that I really was old enough to drink. But who knows? Soon I might have to show ID to prove I’m not too old. Beer in hand, I listened to a band whose female singer strutted the stage a la Mick Jagger. She was better looking, but I knew this only from the giant TV screens flanking the stage. From the VIP tent, performers were specks. Fortunately, the sound system was good.

Drinks consumed, we wandered a bit. The crowd swelled. By two o’clock, getting from place to place over the large area fenced off for the festival proved time consuming. Lines at the port-a-potties—there were many—stood 12 deep. The festival map offered a reasonable approximation of various venues and highlights—food, drinks, merchandise, a beauty bar—but was a bit fuzzy on detail. We tried to get into a comedy show but couldn’t. I left at three, my mission accomplished—almost.

As it happened, the band’s Airbnb accommodations were in a dicey neighborhood. As band members checked the place out on Friday after driving up from Los Angeles where they played the Skirball Center, they saw drug deals going down right outside. Yosi called. Could the band stay at our house? The band camped out for two nights. We provided breakfasts. By Sunday, all but Yosi remained.

What’s next? The Riff Raff will record a new CD in Nashville. In November, they’ll play the Fox Theater in Oakland, opening on tour for City and Colour (Dallas Green.). They’ll also perform at New York’s Carnegie Hall on January 29.

Am I proud? Believe it. Do I take credit? No way. Hurray for the Riff Raff keeps moving up thanks to hard work and dedication. Alynda, Yosi and the band have paid their dues. And it never hurts to make great music.

Read the first two chapters of FLIGHT OF THE SPUMONIS here at www.davidperlstein.com. You can get a signed copy from me or order a soft cover or e-book at Amazon.com.

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